So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
As shirtless as possible
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize