You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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