ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
