he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
