my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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