Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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