fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
