At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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