i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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