that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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