...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
