She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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