i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
