nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
