i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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