Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
