i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize