dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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