i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
