She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
