About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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