I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize