You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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