I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
