happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize