smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
