Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize