can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
