he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
