dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
