I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
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