there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
