Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
