dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
