Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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