I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
