Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
