dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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