Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
