Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
