I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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