My liver just broke up with me...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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