I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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