Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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