nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
