My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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