is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
