you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
