Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
