I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
