i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
