Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Come on in and take your pants off
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
