Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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