Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
