her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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