i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
