Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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