Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
