We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
