I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
third nipple confirmed
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
