I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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