Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
