Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
