I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
