youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
