i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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