my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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